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Friday, 29 May 2015

Capita TV Licensing Goon Recruitment


Browsing around cyberspace we noticed that TV Licensing operations contractor Capita has started a new recruitment website.

The new site is jam packed with the snippets of information Capita want potential job applicants to see, but is less forthcoming about the social-stigma associated with such putrid employment.

Like most things delivered by Capita, the website is a bit of a half-arsed affair that costs twice as much as it should and doesn't really work. The site, just like the goons it recruits, attempts to project a semi-professional first impression, but scratch beneath the surface and it's a litany of pigeon English, typographical errors and broken links.

We began by looking at the page called "What We Do", which contains some interesting (although not necessarily accurate) facts about the work of Capita TV Licensing goons:
  • Fact 1: Our teams visit four million unlicensed addresses evaders each year. This has generated over £65 million of revenue – the cost of running both Radio One and Radio Two for a year!
  • Fact 2: The Field Operations team covers the whole of the UK. There are approximately 500 Field Operation visiting staff as well as a number of office based specialist support staff.
  • Fact 3: Officers are required to see cases through from start to finish. You may attend court to give evidence as part of the prosecution process.
  • Fact 4: Capita are committed to investing in development. That’s why Field Visiting Officers can apply to the Field Development Programme; providing Officers with support to further their career within TV Licensing or the wider Capita Group.
Another page, called "The Role", addresses some of the questions commonly posed by potential Capita TV Licensing goons. Did you realise that Capita TV Licensing apprentice goons follow a "robust and comprehensive" training plan? Nor did we but Capita, which would never tell lies, claims they do. 

Even more bizarrely, Capita claims that it takes 3 weeks to train an apprentice goon in the dark arts before they are finally let loose on the same community they have chosen to socially-exclude them self from.

We tried to read about the benefits of being a Capita TV Licensing goon, but sadly that page of the website didn't work. We can only speculate on the piffle that might be written there, but it probably includes the nauseatingly deluded assertion that these creatures "serve the community", "work for a leading FTSE100 employer" and can earn "generous uncapped commission".

The new website also has a page called "Journey of an Officer", but instead of dejected goons taking the walk of shame it highlights the career path of Capita TV Licensing's Seldon Simms.

Finally, for anyone relishing the prospect of being disowned by their family and humiliated on YouTube, the "Apply" page tells you everything you need to do to sell your soul to the devil.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

The basic pay is a bit miserable, isn't it? Barely more than the minimum wage!

Admin said...

That's why they have to go for the hard sell every time.

Anonymous said...

The Journey of an Officer page is a hoot. It makes me eager to apply and work my way up to Regional Manager! I wonder if Seldon had done one of those courses that guarantee to make you Vice President of The Schenectady Eyebrow Tweezer and Nail File Company if you follow their plan.

Anonymous said...

I see that John Hales has not been promoted since 2008. He was a Regional Manager then and still is describing himself as one on the monthly threat-a-grams I receive.

Dipstick said...

I found it interesting that 'Seldon Simms' actually applied for this job because he wanted to provide his daughter with the best education possible. These goons look like they have never had girlfriends/boyfriends let alone daughters.

Götter Dämmerung said...

Would be worth someone applying and doing an expose'e on YouTube just to confirm what we already know about the underhanded tactics they use.